Thursday, October 9, 2014
Who has common sense? Not meeeeeeeee......
Having almost forgotten about the whole seven people who have followed my pitiful one-shot-in-the-dark blog, I got a polite poke from blogspot with an encouraging undertone of, "Why Hello, how have you been? Do you still love us?"
How HAVE I been?
Well.. I met this goofy bartender, married the pants off him, and delivered the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes attached to a kid, ever. My family is pretty damn awesome. It wasn't exactly easy getting to the "plus one is three" stage. Has anyone ever mentioned, being pregnant friggin sucks? I mean, not in the, "ohhhh I can't do anything, im so tired..." sense.. but more like in the, "F*** you, F*** this, F*** that, I'm going F***ing home to take a F***ing nap, and If you try to wake me up, I'll ***** **** **** your ******* in the ***** ***** **** and ******* eyebrows******soup can*** ** or ***** !!! Got it?" Kind of sense. I looked like I was trying to smuggle a watermelon out of a grocery store under my clothes. At month five, I had a cute belly.. the kind people like to see. I took my maternity photos at six months, because I was already large enough to start creeping people out. At nine months, I no longer got the "ohhh how sweet, a pregnant lady" looks.. and got things like "Sweet jesus what is WRONG with that creature?! Kill it with fire!!!!!" "Is that a MOUNTAIN waddling across the store?!"
I have never been more relieved to see my ankles than I was after he was born.
Why the hell am I doing this again?? Again, I'm on my third month and am already starting to swell like a bee-stung redheaded kid at band camp. Babies are AWESOME! Who would have thought? making babies is horrible. "oh but your hair is so lucious!" "..It's thick. And tangled. and somewhere in there, there might be a french fry." " Your skin is GLOWING!" "no... I'm sweating." "You must be sooo excited!" ".........are we there yet??" Every woman around me swears of a perfect pregnancy. They LOVED it. They felt GREAT. It was AMAZING! A MIRACLE! God they just LOVED being pregnant! That's great, I'm glad they enjoyed it. What kind of terrible person was I in a past life to deserve this? I HATE being pregnant. The disdain women get when they admit that it wasn't so wonderful is intense. It wouldn't surprise me if half of them lied, if they're faking it just to escape the scorn of women who can't seem to grasp that life isn't unicorns. There is such a stigma about motherhood already, I had no clue that pregnancy carried it's own stigmas. "oh, you're eating MEAT while pregnant? Wow you must be brave. -I- Never ate anything but fruit and veggies, just the best for my little baby." As if eating a steak was caring less for my child. God forbid I be caught drinking a diet coke ... My whole first pregnancy, I was scared to death about everything. I ate carefully, I avoided things with high sugars, I avoided sprouts, eggs, lunch meats, hotdogs, chocolate, fish.. Somehow, one of the first questions that women ask after encountering a pregnant woman is always the one that is NONE OF YOUR GOD***** BUSINESS..... "So, of course, you're planning to breastfeed, right?" For me, I tried.. I really did. For three months. It just didn't work. Between his confusion, tongue tied, frustration and hunger, it just never worked out. It took him losing weight for me to finally put my foot down, stop torturing myself and give my breastfeeding counciler the finger. "Breast is best! formula fed babies often result in lower mental capacity, violence, a future in drugs and crime, and even possible being a republican." After giving my son his first week of formula, watching him fill out, sigh contentedly and start to enjoy being a baby, I could honestly give a f*** less what other people think. How is letting my child lose weight, be stressed and hungry, better than just feeding him? what the hell is wrong with you hippies?? Not to mention the angry harassment we get for feeding them in public. Make up your damn mind, America... "Breast is best.. unless you're in public. then you're a nasty pervert and OH MY GOD I CAN SEE YOUR TITTY".
This time, I eat what I want. I do what I want. If I want a sip of wine from my husband's glass, I take it. If I want chocolate, I eat it. I no longer feel obligated to explain my choices to other women. In class, (Oh yes.. I'm taking accounting classes..) I boldly state, "well it's none of your business how I will feed it. I might not feed it. I just might eat it the day it's born." When asked if someone can touch my belly, I stare them in the eyes, down into their soul, and say "Yeah I dont think so " without a single amoeba of remorse.
This still doesn't make me feel better, as I sit here in nothing but a blanket and one sock, because I'm too lazy to actually get dressed.
Is it April, yet?
How HAVE I been?
Well.. I met this goofy bartender, married the pants off him, and delivered the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes attached to a kid, ever. My family is pretty damn awesome. It wasn't exactly easy getting to the "plus one is three" stage. Has anyone ever mentioned, being pregnant friggin sucks? I mean, not in the, "ohhhh I can't do anything, im so tired..." sense.. but more like in the, "F*** you, F*** this, F*** that, I'm going F***ing home to take a F***ing nap, and If you try to wake me up, I'll ***** **** **** your ******* in the ***** ***** **** and ******* eyebrows******soup can*** ** or ***** !!! Got it?" Kind of sense. I looked like I was trying to smuggle a watermelon out of a grocery store under my clothes. At month five, I had a cute belly.. the kind people like to see. I took my maternity photos at six months, because I was already large enough to start creeping people out. At nine months, I no longer got the "ohhh how sweet, a pregnant lady" looks.. and got things like "Sweet jesus what is WRONG with that creature?! Kill it with fire!!!!!" "Is that a MOUNTAIN waddling across the store?!"
I have never been more relieved to see my ankles than I was after he was born.
Why the hell am I doing this again?? Again, I'm on my third month and am already starting to swell like a bee-stung redheaded kid at band camp. Babies are AWESOME! Who would have thought? making babies is horrible. "oh but your hair is so lucious!" "..It's thick. And tangled. and somewhere in there, there might be a french fry." " Your skin is GLOWING!" "no... I'm sweating." "You must be sooo excited!" ".........are we there yet??" Every woman around me swears of a perfect pregnancy. They LOVED it. They felt GREAT. It was AMAZING! A MIRACLE! God they just LOVED being pregnant! That's great, I'm glad they enjoyed it. What kind of terrible person was I in a past life to deserve this? I HATE being pregnant. The disdain women get when they admit that it wasn't so wonderful is intense. It wouldn't surprise me if half of them lied, if they're faking it just to escape the scorn of women who can't seem to grasp that life isn't unicorns. There is such a stigma about motherhood already, I had no clue that pregnancy carried it's own stigmas. "oh, you're eating MEAT while pregnant? Wow you must be brave. -I- Never ate anything but fruit and veggies, just the best for my little baby." As if eating a steak was caring less for my child. God forbid I be caught drinking a diet coke ... My whole first pregnancy, I was scared to death about everything. I ate carefully, I avoided things with high sugars, I avoided sprouts, eggs, lunch meats, hotdogs, chocolate, fish.. Somehow, one of the first questions that women ask after encountering a pregnant woman is always the one that is NONE OF YOUR GOD***** BUSINESS..... "So, of course, you're planning to breastfeed, right?" For me, I tried.. I really did. For three months. It just didn't work. Between his confusion, tongue tied, frustration and hunger, it just never worked out. It took him losing weight for me to finally put my foot down, stop torturing myself and give my breastfeeding counciler the finger. "Breast is best! formula fed babies often result in lower mental capacity, violence, a future in drugs and crime, and even possible being a republican." After giving my son his first week of formula, watching him fill out, sigh contentedly and start to enjoy being a baby, I could honestly give a f*** less what other people think. How is letting my child lose weight, be stressed and hungry, better than just feeding him? what the hell is wrong with you hippies?? Not to mention the angry harassment we get for feeding them in public. Make up your damn mind, America... "Breast is best.. unless you're in public. then you're a nasty pervert and OH MY GOD I CAN SEE YOUR TITTY".
This time, I eat what I want. I do what I want. If I want a sip of wine from my husband's glass, I take it. If I want chocolate, I eat it. I no longer feel obligated to explain my choices to other women. In class, (Oh yes.. I'm taking accounting classes..) I boldly state, "well it's none of your business how I will feed it. I might not feed it. I just might eat it the day it's born." When asked if someone can touch my belly, I stare them in the eyes, down into their soul, and say "Yeah I dont think so " without a single amoeba of remorse.
This still doesn't make me feel better, as I sit here in nothing but a blanket and one sock, because I'm too lazy to actually get dressed.
Is it April, yet?
Thursday, May 10, 2012
French Vodka and another political thought.
Amendment one passed. Good thing, too. Here's some reasons:
1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things, like eyeglasses, polyester, hair dye and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage other people to be gay, kind of like how hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will lead to all sorts of crazy behavior. People will begin to want to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around for a very long time and hasn't changed at all; Women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spear's 55-just-for-fun-hour marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because orphanages aren't full yet and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy such as ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.
9. Children need both a male and female role model at home to succeed. That's why we expressedly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, like how we haven't been able to adapt to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
I'm going to go in my room and drink my french vodka, because I am a soul-less monster born of wedlock, with no hope to save me.
(credits to whoever)
1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things, like eyeglasses, polyester, hair dye and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage other people to be gay, kind of like how hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will lead to all sorts of crazy behavior. People will begin to want to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around for a very long time and hasn't changed at all; Women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spear's 55-just-for-fun-hour marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because orphanages aren't full yet and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy such as ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.
9. Children need both a male and female role model at home to succeed. That's why we expressedly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, like how we haven't been able to adapt to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
I'm going to go in my room and drink my french vodka, because I am a soul-less monster born of wedlock, with no hope to save me.
(credits to whoever)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
IQ of an American Asshole
My mother received a text message today from NC@voteoutbarackobama.com saying, "Gay by choice...Do not let gays voice their views and preferences upon you and your children. Call to listen: 336-447-3857" Outraged, I called the number, of course. Basically, the gist is the Amendment One.
I have something to say.
And you are going to listen. Err.... Read.
I'm only going to explain this once.
Amendment One is the ONLY Amendment taking away rights rather than granting.
There is ALREADY a law prohibiting gay marriage.
This amendment is not about gay marriage. This amendment is taking away the rights of children from non-marriage relationships, protection laws for domestic violence between non-marriage relationships, and basically a bunch of horse shit meant to smother and constrain american citizens, revoking basic rights that were granted to us by our fundamental constitution. This has NOTHING to to do with gay marriage, but the dillholes who wrote this amendment have stamped 'anti gay marriage' on it to cover up the real intent of this crock. The first thing people heae is "gay marriage" and automatically they have made up their mind.
Do your homework before you make decisions for this country that affect everyone. This amendment literally effects gay people the LEAST.
Example: If your boyfriend knocks you up, because you aren't married, with this amendment, your baby daddy is no longer responsible for child support. Isn't that fantastic!
Do your homework, people. Or don't, and then sit around and bitch about how our government has fucked us all over.
Or, pretend to be a human being, with the intelligence higher than that of a wet sock, and vote to protect your rights.
As for this spam text... I would like to know how a private cell number just 'came by' their databases. I would also like to send out the message that if I receive one more single text message and/or/email from these people, I will prosecute the panties off of you for harassment and illegal solicitation.
Are you fucking kidding me. "Don't let gays push their beliefs on you.." Isn't that exactly what you are doing! Pushing your bigotry and holier-than-thou fucking attitude, thinking that you and your beliefs are great enough to dictate how other FREE americans live their lives!! Last time I checked, my life was remarkably unaffected by gay people getting married and being happy with each other. Do you sit at your dinner table and eat your dinner, complaining about how miserable your pathetically boring life is, and how hard your day was because some dude married another dude that you have NEVER MET... I dunno about you, but I could care less who marries each other... regardless of sex. You want to carry on about the sanctity of marriage, perhaps you should be banning divorce and having affairs.
Any true American would be completely aghast than anyone would ever vote to have their rights taken away. I cannot stress enough, this amendment isn't about gay marriage, (since it is unfortunately already illegal in our state,) It's about taking away other rights that are basically the fundamental structure of how people live and support their families.
The politicians and organizations that are using 'gay' issues to cover up the true agenda of this amendment ought to be ashamed of themselves. You, ladies and gentlemen, are true bottom-dwelling, scum sucking cowards. And we are ignorant bastards if we vote 'yes'.
We are holding on to the tattered and ripped corners of our constitution, losing our american blood a little more ever day.
Thank you for listening. Now please, get your heads out of your asses and use the common sense your mamas gave you.
I have something to say.
And you are going to listen. Err.... Read.
I'm only going to explain this once.
Amendment One is the ONLY Amendment taking away rights rather than granting.
There is ALREADY a law prohibiting gay marriage.
This amendment is not about gay marriage. This amendment is taking away the rights of children from non-marriage relationships, protection laws for domestic violence between non-marriage relationships, and basically a bunch of horse shit meant to smother and constrain american citizens, revoking basic rights that were granted to us by our fundamental constitution. This has NOTHING to to do with gay marriage, but the dillholes who wrote this amendment have stamped 'anti gay marriage' on it to cover up the real intent of this crock. The first thing people heae is "gay marriage" and automatically they have made up their mind.
Do your homework before you make decisions for this country that affect everyone. This amendment literally effects gay people the LEAST.
Example: If your boyfriend knocks you up, because you aren't married, with this amendment, your baby daddy is no longer responsible for child support. Isn't that fantastic!
Do your homework, people. Or don't, and then sit around and bitch about how our government has fucked us all over.
Or, pretend to be a human being, with the intelligence higher than that of a wet sock, and vote to protect your rights.
As for this spam text... I would like to know how a private cell number just 'came by' their databases. I would also like to send out the message that if I receive one more single text message and/or/email from these people, I will prosecute the panties off of you for harassment and illegal solicitation.
Are you fucking kidding me. "Don't let gays push their beliefs on you.." Isn't that exactly what you are doing! Pushing your bigotry and holier-than-thou fucking attitude, thinking that you and your beliefs are great enough to dictate how other FREE americans live their lives!! Last time I checked, my life was remarkably unaffected by gay people getting married and being happy with each other. Do you sit at your dinner table and eat your dinner, complaining about how miserable your pathetically boring life is, and how hard your day was because some dude married another dude that you have NEVER MET... I dunno about you, but I could care less who marries each other... regardless of sex. You want to carry on about the sanctity of marriage, perhaps you should be banning divorce and having affairs.
Any true American would be completely aghast than anyone would ever vote to have their rights taken away. I cannot stress enough, this amendment isn't about gay marriage, (since it is unfortunately already illegal in our state,) It's about taking away other rights that are basically the fundamental structure of how people live and support their families.
The politicians and organizations that are using 'gay' issues to cover up the true agenda of this amendment ought to be ashamed of themselves. You, ladies and gentlemen, are true bottom-dwelling, scum sucking cowards. And we are ignorant bastards if we vote 'yes'.
We are holding on to the tattered and ripped corners of our constitution, losing our american blood a little more ever day.
Thank you for listening. Now please, get your heads out of your asses and use the common sense your mamas gave you.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Hitler, the Nazi Parakeet
I don't know if I have mentioned to you before, but I have a parakeet. His name is Hitler. Now, before you go all, "Oh my God, that's a horrible name! BLAH BLAH BLAH" Let me just say... I don't care. Up yours, that's what I named him. I'm sorry if you're offended, but hey, let's face it, I'm a pretty offensive person.
Anyways.
Hitler is blue, small, very shy, but I will have a photo of him posted up here soon. He was meant as a cage mate to my little cockatiel, Missed Lucas passed away only a few weeks after we got him, so He's pretty lonely right now. Of course I'm going to get him a mate, and of course it's name is going to be Braun.
Hitler is a beautiful little bird, but quite honestly, he's kind of an asshole. He chirps and begs to be let out of his cage, and upon obliging, he bites and chews the hell out of your fingers. So basically, unless he can snuggle in the palm of your hand while you hold perfectly still, lest your thumb starts looking a little Jewish, he's not alot of fun to play with. Yet.
I honestly believe that deep in his little Nazi heart, he is a friendly bird who just wants to play.
Anyways.
Hitler is blue, small, very shy, but I will have a photo of him posted up here soon. He was meant as a cage mate to my little cockatiel, Missed Lucas passed away only a few weeks after we got him, so He's pretty lonely right now. Of course I'm going to get him a mate, and of course it's name is going to be Braun.
Hitler is a beautiful little bird, but quite honestly, he's kind of an asshole. He chirps and begs to be let out of his cage, and upon obliging, he bites and chews the hell out of your fingers. So basically, unless he can snuggle in the palm of your hand while you hold perfectly still, lest your thumb starts looking a little Jewish, he's not alot of fun to play with. Yet.
Ashevegas Assholes
So everyone who knows me, knows that I live bout thirty minutes away from Asheville. As I'm driving through downtown, I see a bumper sticker saying "Don't Move to Asheville". What is this shit?? The past few months I have heard all these, 'Native Asheville' assholes talking about how they're native to the city, how everyone else is a wanna be and the asheville culture has been stolen from them.
All I can think is, "Are you fucking kidding me? Asheville is the melting pot of North Carolina... that's what it's notorious for." As a matter of fact, before Bel-Cher and the tourism boom of the last few decades, Asheville would still be a big pile of Pawn Shops, shoe stores, business centrals and a whole lotta nothin'. Without the 'Immigrants of Asheville,' your city wouldn't be anywhere near successfull. You think your bohemian lifestyle was original to the area? Honestly? The culture was created from the progression of alternative lifestyles, the arts and music community, and to be perfectly honest, the gay community. What exactly do you think happened? That everyone woke up one day and said, "Hey, I think I'm going to be an artist." "I have decided to come out," "I have decided to become a musician." No, you idiots. It was born of people moving from all over America, no, all over the WORLD to the area. I mean cmon, their baseball team is called the Asheville Tourists, not the Asheville Grumpyassnativeswhostillwantthisplacetobeadump. This 'lifestyle' you talk about wasn't yours to claim, it was the love-child of thousands of people who travelled and toured the area. You bitch about the tourism, but guess what, Asheville's entire economy is built on tourism. Quick fact, most of you little Hipster Dweebs weren't even alive before tourism created Asheville what it is today. Grow the hell up and find something else to bitch about. If you don't like what Asheville is today, maybe you should do what everyone who has moved there did.... Leave. Leave your community and go find another one, and be with assholes just like you. Go find an area where you can bitch about how mainstream everything is, how everyone is unorigional, and how everyone is stealing your 'uniqueness'. Go find somewhere to live where everyone is equally as miserable as you are, in other words, move to New Jersey.
All I can think is, "Are you fucking kidding me? Asheville is the melting pot of North Carolina... that's what it's notorious for." As a matter of fact, before Bel-Cher and the tourism boom of the last few decades, Asheville would still be a big pile of Pawn Shops, shoe stores, business centrals and a whole lotta nothin'. Without the 'Immigrants of Asheville,' your city wouldn't be anywhere near successfull. You think your bohemian lifestyle was original to the area? Honestly? The culture was created from the progression of alternative lifestyles, the arts and music community, and to be perfectly honest, the gay community. What exactly do you think happened? That everyone woke up one day and said, "Hey, I think I'm going to be an artist." "I have decided to come out," "I have decided to become a musician." No, you idiots. It was born of people moving from all over America, no, all over the WORLD to the area. I mean cmon, their baseball team is called the Asheville Tourists, not the Asheville Grumpyassnativeswhostillwantthisplacetobeadump. This 'lifestyle' you talk about wasn't yours to claim, it was the love-child of thousands of people who travelled and toured the area. You bitch about the tourism, but guess what, Asheville's entire economy is built on tourism. Quick fact, most of you little Hipster Dweebs weren't even alive before tourism created Asheville what it is today. Grow the hell up and find something else to bitch about. If you don't like what Asheville is today, maybe you should do what everyone who has moved there did.... Leave. Leave your community and go find another one, and be with assholes just like you. Go find an area where you can bitch about how mainstream everything is, how everyone is unorigional, and how everyone is stealing your 'uniqueness'. Go find somewhere to live where everyone is equally as miserable as you are, in other words, move to New Jersey.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Poo Dollas
Alright, It's not unusual for me to type up several drafts of one thing, get excited about it, and post them all in the same night. Get over it.
One of my newest and most loved friends introduced me to a game.
This game is one she played in high school, and I feel like the beauty of it should be shared with humans all across the world.
It's called 'Poo Dollars', and it is honestly the most wholesome, family-oriented bundle of fun I could ever imagine.
What you need to play:
- A dollar. Maybe two or three.
-A car, truck, or dumpster to hide behind.
-A large department store, preferabbly wal-mart... since Wally World is the most classy of choices.
-A sense of humor and a bowl movement. Or, a dog that needs walking.
-A guillable friend, or a guy friend. Whichever comes first.
What you do:
You have your guillable/and or guy friend, walk your dog, or.. I mean, if he's feeling spunky, he could do it himself.... And instead of using the 'pooper scooper baggies of doom' to clean up your favorite pooche's mess, use a couple of dollar bills.
Secure said nasty dollar bills in some form of plastic bag.
Very nonchalantly drop the filthy dollar bills in the parking lot, and scurry away quickly. If you dont have a car, hide behind a dumpster.
Sit in your car, or dumpster-mobile, and either listen to music, chat with your buddy, and wait for someone to notice the dollars and try to collect them.
Enjoy.
You're welcome, fellow human beings.
I have no idea why I'm single.
One of my newest and most loved friends introduced me to a game.
This game is one she played in high school, and I feel like the beauty of it should be shared with humans all across the world.
It's called 'Poo Dollars', and it is honestly the most wholesome, family-oriented bundle of fun I could ever imagine.
What you need to play:
- A dollar. Maybe two or three.
-A car, truck, or dumpster to hide behind.
-A large department store, preferabbly wal-mart... since Wally World is the most classy of choices.
-A sense of humor and a bowl movement. Or, a dog that needs walking.
-A guillable friend, or a guy friend. Whichever comes first.
What you do:
You have your guillable/and or guy friend, walk your dog, or.. I mean, if he's feeling spunky, he could do it himself.... And instead of using the 'pooper scooper baggies of doom' to clean up your favorite pooche's mess, use a couple of dollar bills.
Secure said nasty dollar bills in some form of plastic bag.
Very nonchalantly drop the filthy dollar bills in the parking lot, and scurry away quickly. If you dont have a car, hide behind a dumpster.
Sit in your car, or dumpster-mobile, and either listen to music, chat with your buddy, and wait for someone to notice the dollars and try to collect them.
Enjoy.
You're welcome, fellow human beings.
I have no idea why I'm single.
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